Friday, March 11, 2005

Muse - lost and found (edited)

* edited to include...In usual fashion, Blogspot and/or Blogger SUCK today and many of you have emailed me to note that you can't leave comments. I'm looking into another host but that won't be for a while. Please email me at indigomuse (at) if you want to say "hi". Sorry for the problems and thanks to Jen and La for bringing it to my attention in their blog post.

I started a blog post on Wed. I was actually in the middle of it while DH was recounting the hairy meat incident (see Wednesday's post for more info). I've added it below for those who wondered what I was futzing about...
I'm admitting here and now that I'm stuck in an inspirationless desert. I'm surrounded by oceans of yarn, fiber, unfinished projects and project ideas and yet I thirst for something that I can't put my finger on. I haven't knit or spun for two days (unheard of in these parts)! What's wrong with me? Here are a few of my theories on why my muse is MIA:

1.) I think I was severely depressed this Winter (my own diagnosis because I wouldn't admit that I had a problem and seek help) with SAD and am finally coming out of the fog thanks to the longer days and sunshine. How do I know that I WAS and no longer am depressed. Because I was crying for no reason almost every day and I haven't cried in over a week. In my effort to "find myself again", I'm trying to schedule ALL of the details of my day so that I can remain focused. This is not fun nor easy for such a free spirit as I tend to be. But I'm hell bent on reclaiming my spirit so I'll make myself do it. Needless to say, all things fiber related have barely found its way onto my schedule :(

2.) I read so many knitting blogs on a regular basis and was starting to feel like I was less of a knitter if I didn't knit garments. I've seen so many beautiful Rogues, ballet sweaters - you name it - cranked out and posted over the last couple of weeks. And my poor Rogue languishes in a bag waiting for her sleeves. I'm capable and don't mind knitting sweaters, etc. But I had an epiphany this week - I don't get real pleasure knitting them (at least not at this point in my life). I believe that everyone should find their niche in the world and with knitting, I've learned about myself that I love to make accessories. It doesn't mean that I'll abandon garments all together. Coming to grips with this reality, will hopefully free my spirit in a different way.

3.) I'm wayyyyyyyyyyy behind on house stuff because of work stuff. Even though I work from home, I try really hard not to do house stuff during the day. Sure I might pop a load of laundry in or clean off the counter but I save most of the heavy duty work for the evening. Well, being out of town for the weekend didn't help and now we're half way through this week and the house is going from bad to worse. I feel guilty sitting down to knit when there are dishes to do, laundry to fold and stuff that needs to be put away.

4.) I'm not even motivated to spin because I found two major cracks on the base of poor Arwen :( Boo hoo. The crack on the right runs almost the length of the base. Just look at it...
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I'm crushed. I treat her like a princess. No one touches her. How could this have happened? The wonderful Majacraft people are going to have to make one from scratch because they don't have any in stock to fix it. They say they've never seen this before. I'm going to have to use a c-clamp to hold her together so that it doesn't snap completely in half before the part arrives. Poor baby :(

OMG, I'm even boring myself with this blah, blah, blah. Enough said. I hope my muse just needed a little vacation and finds her way back to me SOON!

Pretty whiny, huh? I can lay blame on PMS but for the most part, I can say that I was guilty of taking life for granted. Well, be careful what you wish for because you just might get bitch slapped with reality - which is exactly what happened.

I was in the school office checking on Strawberry Festival related messages when one of the teachers walked by crying. Everyone is the office was really sad and after inquiring, I found out that one of our students had surgery the day before for a brain tumor. Talk about feeling like someone punched me the gut. This little girl is only 5 years old! How do you as a parent deal with something like this? How do you help your child deal with it? To top it off, the mom is expecting her fourth child any day. The good news is that her surgery went well and now they're waiting on the pathology report. I'm praying that she doesn't have cancer. The whole thing is so unfair. Why do kids have to suffer? Trust me, stuff like this makes me struggle with how to reconcile it within my faith.

Yup, this was the big ole bitch slap I needed to wrest me from my self pity. I have two wonderful, healthy boys, a loving husband and family, great friends and all of my needs are more than met. I'm going to work on a little Kittyville hat for BJ since they had to shave all of her hair off for the surgery. There's nothing else I can do besides pray for her health and well being. Inspiration can certainly come in the most unexpected and sometimes small forms.

I'm saving the Zira Knitterview for next week. It seemed so frivolous for me to do it today. I WILL share some inspiring good news from other knitters since I don't have butt squat didly to show you. Have a super weekend!

* Boogie just found out that she's expecting! I'm so excited for her.
* Teresa just finished an 8 year old UFO - now I have no excuse for not finishing some of my languishing projects
* Bonne Marie finished a modified version of the IK Spencer that is just breathtaking.
* Stacey has inspired me to do some Spring felting with all of her cute button bags.
* Amy is almost finished with Audrey - yippie!
* And for those who are in need of a regular fiber fix, check out Hello Yarn. I drool everytime I check in.


sherry said...

Hi indigo, don't feel so bad, i also went thru depression this winter, and never had it like this before..I have climbed out of it, and couldn't knit/finish anything for a few weeks(happened after son went back to college in jan) am now tackling something more than just mindless knitting-and for me this is big!!love your blog

Anonymous said...

Tanya, sorry you've been blue. Hope that spring brings you all good things. Your knitting is YOUR knitting - don't ever let someone else's pace make you feel bad about your own! And big get-well wishes for Arwen!